Smack!...Revelation!

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  So i have had the sort of wake up call that brilliantly smacks you in the face and says what are you doing!? Who do you think you are!? Ya, not very pleasant but definitely needed. I am what the world would call blindly selfish. Being blindly selfish means basically that even though one's actions may seem good, there are hidden motives that at their very core have nothing but a spirit of pride, vanity, and utter egotistical behavior. At least in this case those are the words that would apply to me. In fact for my situation, Proverbs 16:2 comes to mind: "All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD."

I have a unique flare for desiring and acquiring the attention and affirmation of others. To many, including myself, it would seem as if i was a philanthropist christian who has many talents which he loves to share with people for God's glory and the building up of others. But after a recent heavy self evaluation I am left with the pounding question of what is really motivating my decisions, and who am I truly "giving the glory" to? These questions are hard to answer because in my mind i do all that i do with the intention of bringing some sort of gain to something either in the present of the future. to illustrate my point i could use my desire to play music. I play music on worship teams, in bars, and basically any place that will let me. Now, I have my own dreams for music which are to play certain shows with certain amounts of people and release a certain amount of albums. Those dreams however need to also coincide with God's will. I can't in good faith play music that does not somehow leave the person better than i found them, or leave them thinking about something that could change the way they live. So in that area I know that Christ centered motives are best to put behind the music. But when I am up on stage i can't help at times to feel like "hey! look at me! I can play and sing pretty good huh? Please look at me!" But then I have to remember who and what I am playing for and that the flesh inside me needs be put away. See the real kicker here is that a great deal of my actions are just that. "My Actions". Though they focus upon others to some degree and may be helpful, there is a certain level of prestige that i gain in my own mind. That somehow each thing that i do for society uplifts me into this superhuman status of a guy who has it all together, can do nearly anything, and has all the answers. We all know that this is not the case. In fact I am quite far from even being remotely good. See the problem isn't that  i just want to create a perfect facade for myself (though that does play a key part) It is that I am striving to please a God who doesn't ask for it. My problem is that I don't allow grace to fully take over and just release my heart.

We have a tendency to look for wonder in our experience. A desire for others to see us and validate us as something worthy of living on this Earth. A desire to be seen as something more than just a passerby on the track of this journey through life. "It’s one thing to go through a crisis grandly, yet quite another to go through every day glorifying God when there is no witness, no limelight, and no one paying even the remotest attention to us. We tend to set up success in Christian work as our purpose, but our purpose should be to display the glory of God in human life, to live a life “hidden with Christ in God” in our everyday human conditions (Colossians 3:3). Our human relationships are the very conditions in which the ideal life of God should be exhibited." (http://utmost.org/still-human/)

So what is this saying? It is saying that my lifestyle needs a radical change! It says that i need a heart change! So how does one start? Well if one wants to find out what God says, then how about reading his word! (There's a thought) "Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps." (Proverbs 16:3&9) You see, i want to love people because of who they are not what they can give me. I want to know that every action I put forth, every decision I make, is edifying God and the body of Christ. So I must ask you to bear with me while Carlton is under construction, Please pardon his mess ;) And ask yourself what I did. Where does my heart lie?

Thanks for reading,
Carlton